How To Know Your Husband Is A Jerk

I thought I would expand a little bit on my post on how to leave your husband. From the search terms that are leading people to this site, I’ve come to the conclusion that so many women are in the helpless situation of not knowing if their husband is a jerk.

I know. You’d think it would be easy to figure this out. I mean, either someone is a jerk or someone isn’t. This ain’t fucking rocket science, right?

Well, sometimes the answer is a bit more hidden than you think.

Because love is blind. And fear is debilitating. What happens in a verbal abuse situation, is that you think you love somebody — and maybe you truly do. But the love only goes as far as your fear of leaving. Only once you move past the debilitating fear of leaving, can you understand that your self-respect far surpasses your love of the man who oppresses you.

We’re not talking about wife-beaters here. This isn’t a domestic violence situation. That’s why it’s so complicated.

I’m talking words.

Saying mean things to psychologically harm and deliberately hurt someone is abuse. And it sucks to be on the receiving end.

There are ignorant people out there who ask the inevitable question of, “Well, why don’t you just leave?” I was even told once that I brought the situation on myself for marrying him. That I should’ve known. That I should’ve had abortions instead of bringing children into the marriage.

And these attitudes are precisely why women don’t leave. They’re made to feel ashamed. They end up being too embarrassed to tell family members or friends what’s really going on. These women don’t need to hear a smug, “I told you so.” They don’t need to hear a, “Well I was wondering why you married him in the first place.”

Just some simple understanding and encouragement is all that’s needed.

So here are the reasons why coming to the conclusion that your husband is a jerk can be such a confusing process:

1. You love him. Or you think you love him.

2. You’re embarrassed that you married him and you think it’s a reflection of you. So you don’t want to tell people how bad the marriage really is because you don’t want people to think that you were stupid for marrying the guy in the first place  — which means you put on a show and are not really facing reality.

3. He can be really nice. Really nice. He’s not a jerk all the time. There are many times when he’ll do things for you — make you dinner, buy you flowers, clean the kitchen, give you a back rub. For example, when I was pregnant with my first child, there was a pot hole in our driveway. It was always excruciating for me when we drove over it because my baby would bounce on my bladder. My ex-husband took it upon himself to fix the pot hole so I could be more comfortable. But does that erase the times he called me worthless? Does that erase the times he came home drunk and woke me up just so he could call me names? No. And unfortunately it took me a while to figure that out.

4. FEAR. Fear is the biggest of them all. Fear of never finding love after divorce. Fear of being alone. Fear of having no money, no support, no place to live. Because once you admit that your husband is a jerk, that’s when you know you’ll have to do something — and doing something means you’ll be facing your fears.

But once you admit that your husband is jerk. You’ll be free.  A free woman who can DO this shit.

So how do you know your husband is a jerk?

Your husband is a jerk if he holds you back from becoming the person you want to be. He’s a jerk if he calls you names. He’s still a jerk when he’s nice — because anybody who can treat their life partner like shit then turn around and be sweet as pie is truly fucked in the head and is not worth your time. He’s a jerk if he disregards your feelings. He’s a jerk if he deliberately hides things from you. He’s a jerk if he tries to make you look stupid in front of your children and family members.

He’s a jerk.

You are valuable.

And you are stronger than you think.

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21 thoughts on “How To Know Your Husband Is A Jerk

  1. Pingback: The way to a man’s heart is through the stomach | An African woman blundering her way in the west!

  2. This is truly the perfect followup. There have been times when I allowed myself to become convinced that I MUST be wrong about the person I was dating because other people only saw their good side. Someone can be a good friend to other people and still be a lousy significant other. And some people really are just jerks. Remembering that you’re in control of your own happiness and that you are strong is hard when someone is constantly making you question yourself.

    • Exactly. It took me forever to leave him because I thought I must be wrong about him… after all, he had a ton of friends and everybody thought he was a great guy. It was funny because most of my friends were taken by surprise when I left him. They all thought that we had the perfect marriage… that my ex was a great guy. It just goes to show that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

  3. Well said my husband is an arsehole as well and very moody. I am sick of his mind games he will be all loving and caring and then a complete dick. I am sick of him and I dream of a life on my own without him many times. He complains but he never leaves me so I am stuck with him because of money hopefully this issue is going to solved soon.

    • I’ve been married to the same guy for 29 years and he started being a jerk 28 1/2 years ago but I kept forgiving and thinking I could change him! He was successful then he wasn’t and I stayed because I loved him and we had two beautiful sons. Now they are grown and successful and my husband is still a jerk! Not all the time mostly when he drinks hard liquor along with his tall beer and lot’s of it then he gets verbally abusive. A Bully you know. Well guess what… I’ve had my fill up to here and I informed him yesterday that I am leaving and this time I’m not coming back! Promise!! Moving back home 1700 miles away!
      Good riddance, can’t wait to take in my first deep breath in 29 years! I WILL SURVIVE!

  4. Yep, my husband is a complete jerk! And the biggest reason I feel like I can’t leave is because I’m afraid. I have some college education ( which my college education got put on the back burner when I became pregnant with my first because he wanted me to be a stay at home mother) I’m afraid that I won’t be able to support myself and I am 1000 miles from home ( we are military) and I don’t know how to get back to my hometown. Our vehicles are in his name and I am scared that my children will hate me if I leave….but I am so tired of the name calling and being a servant to him, I have been to a therapist ( I’m still going) and she keeps telling me to seek marriage counseling but my husband won’t agree to it because he doesn’t want to tell a stranger our problem. What he is really scared about is telling a professional our problems and that he will get called out for psychological abuse….. I’m just stuck!!!

    • I completely understand Marie where you are coming from. Mine is on deployment and I am about to go into labor and he will not be here. He was like this before he deployed. My husband is the same way. I’m a faithful wife that would do anything for her family, but this is way beyond repair. So I just wait… I’m stuck but I am going to get my education and when I am ready I will leave. Psychological abuse… I get tired of the mind games.and name calling. It amazes me how easily those words roll off their tongues… stay strong lady. I’m in the same boat.

    • Marie I know excately what your going through. My husband was also military and i was far from home. He is retired now and I am three hours from my family but not close enough for help. I have some education but not in school because he said i should stick to what i know instead of going to school. A lot of name calling and disrespect. Some physical abuse but not often maybe seven times in 13 yrs. All vehicles in his name. I am treated like a servant . I too have started therapy but he won’t go. Says he doesnt have a problem and that nothing is going to change. Im scared for my children too. He spends a lot of money and we have no savings]
      .. I feel stuck too.

  5. Pingback: Welcome (And Now A Few Words) | motherhood is magic

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  7. I have been with my husband for almost 3 yrs and married for almost 1. I married him thinking it would change his abusive ways. He always calls me names and demeans me. I had a very tough childhood which leaves me very vulnerable to name calling. We have 2 kids and I feel bad to break a family. He is the worse thing that has happened to me. I feel so confused and stuck.

  8. My husband is a jerk too. He belittles me in a round about way, you know talks about me to the kids/grandkids right in front of me. He has never had a steady job, moved us 20+ times (not in the military), puts out my flaws, tells me his family hates me because of one reason or another, makes me feel insecure, then BAM! he does a 180 and is super nice, like that is supposed to make it all better. He acts like nothing is wrong. Then pretty soon it starts all over again.

  9. I understand exactly how all of you feel. My husband is an “undercover jerk”. He’s very nice to his friends and family, but not to me. I used to try to remember all the times he was nice, because I thought that would make me forget about the bad times, but it didn’t. He was also passive aggressive! He would do things purposely to get back at me while appearing to be the perfect mate to others. He lied, cheated, gave dirty looks, the silent treatment, moved into the guest bedroom, took his wedding ring off, etc. We went to counseling for a while, but he refused to talk. Literally!!!! We sat in one session in silence for 55 minutes, because he would not talk about the part he was playing in making the marriage bad. One day in an individual session, the counselor said, “Take your heart back, because he doesn’t deserve it!”. And that’s exactly what I did. I started to see him for who he really was not who I WISHED he would be. Initially, we separated and during this time, he had the audacity to bring one of his women to my son’s birthday party and to a friend’s party before we were divorced to publically humiliate me.
    Well he did and that was the last straw! I started
    saving money, utilizing my support system and I
    finally left this JERK! I
    bought a new house and
    my son and I are happier now. He is a good dad and an even better EX-HUSBAND! LOLOL! Now he wants me back! The best revenge is no revenge at all just leave. Save yourself before it’s too late and it’s never too late!!!

  10. My husband is remote and there is a wall between us. He never wants to do anything together and all of his hardships are my fault. He says he is a better parent an I’m too fat to make live to. And that the kids hate me and everyone else he is insecure competitive and changed I think he is cruel and clever he lived his mother more cause he is driven by fear and control He never compliments me and uses me as a servant. He is a passive agressive and we had a company together ( I worked full time elsewhere so he could find his creative streak) then he started another one ( when I lost my job) denying he was doing this. Says I’m paranoid and I got so angry and couldn’t leave because of the dependency he has cause through the work. He says no to worry and just keep serving his egotistical behavouir I am heart broken and have panic attacks and keep thinking the nightmare will end. We have been together since we were 20 and he has turned everything around to me being crazy . Bipolar love

  11. all men are jerks; either you want to live with them that way, or you don’t. decide before you marry one.

    • The only reason I approved this comment is to point out how unhelpful these types of comments are.

      1. No. All men are not jerks. Most of the men I know are wonderful. You have an obvious chip on your shoulder.
      2. Many times women don’t realize how much of an asshole the guy is. Sometimes women are blinded by love. Sometimes women are insecure and think they don’t deserve any better.

      Sometimes shit happens.

      In addition, this response puts the abusive relationship squarely on the woman. To say all men are jerks and it’s the woman’s fault for marrying one, is anti-woman and so fucking NOT helpful to anybody in this situation.

      I wish life were as simple as you seem to think it is.

  12. I married a megalomaniac asshole. When he turned 60, he became a wonderful human being. I was married 32 years before my husband became a wonderful person. I really think testosterone screws up men’s behavior.

    • That’s just when all the young girls he was banging behind your back decided they wanted someone their own age.

      OR he found himself a cute hooker to take out his frustration on.

  13. I don’t know where I am at we have been married for 5 years we have 2 kids together and a total of 5 with a marriage and he hasn’t worked for 9 months he doesn’t pick up the slack at the house the house is always a mess because he is lazy the kids have become very disrespectful towards me too and when I try to communicate to him that I am unhappy and stressed because I am working full time and going to school full time and on the weekends when I should be spending quality time with my kids and husband I’m spending time screaming and yelling because the house is not crack clean and the clothes that I have are never where I left them I can never find anything in my house and I’ve hit a breaking point I don’t know if I’m being irrational or if I’m being legit a mint every time I talked about wanting to leave he makes me feel like I’m running out and quitting and he isn’t verbally abusive to me but he has a knack for putting a guilt trip on me in making me think that I’m responsible for everything that I am the one with the problem and that everything else is okay I’m just being a rational I don’t know what to think I don’t know what to do if any of u have any advice please send it my way I am desperate

  14. My dear husband,
    your contribution to building the wall between you and me is immense. I congratulate you for it! Still, you are such an idiot not to see who is to blame.
    Just for the sake of information, I am not the person who crawls around and searches for the guilty person, for the one to blame. It is and it was always you.
    I give you all credits for being a perfectly perfect control freak and manipulator.
    Now you have achieved a lot for the benefit of your hurt and mentally ill soul, but you achieved one thing you did not count on:

    The student surpassed the teacher. Now I know everything about manipulation and I am going to apply it. Our marriage as you know it is dead. Amen!

  15. What makes me angry is that I have not moved away from this jerk from the last 27 years, of my marriage. My kids are also disrespectful as they think its ok to be mean to their mothers. I hate myself for it. However, when I am done with the last kids work I will leave and live a life of my own even if it means only for 1 day.

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